Helping People Get Themselves Unstuck

Coaching Tip #11

Whether you are a professional coach or not, we all have moments when we coach others. It could be a family member, a colleague, a friend, a young person you just met, or a neighbor. These opportunities require a few skills.

When someone you care for is “stuck,” it is hard to just stand by and observe.

With best intentions, our instinct is to jump in and give advice on how they may be able to get themselves “unstuck.” I know I can be guilty of this - just ask my kids! When you love someone you don’t want to see them suffer. You want to fix their problem and make their pain go away.

When I find myself trying to fix a problem (instead of supporting the person to discover for themselves some possible solutions) I step back and check my behavior. I ask myself:

• Am I actually acting like a coach?

• Do I really understand why they are stuck? We can easily make assumptions about other people and jump to our answer to their problem. Instead, pause and ask: “What is contributing to you feeling stuck?”

• Start by asking a “what” question – not a “why” question. “Why” questions can make people feel defensive. If you don’t believe me on this, test out “why” versus “what” questions on someone. Notice the different types of responses you get!

• Listen to the answers. If the individual stops talking, don’t jump in right away. Create some quiet time for them to incubate what they just told you. In that awkward silence, more than likely, deeper thoughts will surface.

When someone has a chance to say out loud what is cycling through their head, several things are happening. The individual can:

• Feel a sense of self-worth – that someone is taking the time to listen to them.

• Get rid of thoughts that are not productive.

• Challenge the thoughts that are not true.

• Start a process of self-discovery.

• Begin to problem-solve their specific issue.

If you find yourself in a coaching moment, remember: “No one wants to be told the answer, but most people appreciate help in trying to figure it out.”

Melinda