Goals and Slip ups (and Get Ups)
Coaching Tip #53
We are now eight days into 2021. The intentions we made to eat better, not look at your phone before bed, meditate, exercise or lose weight are the most common commitments that pop up on resolution lists every January. Any one of these will lead to a healthier physical and mental state.
We all want to be better, but for lots of reasons, most of us slip up and fall into old patterns a couple of times after the first two or three weeks, and then by the middle of February that resolution wanes if not disappears.
Before we get to February, the focus of this first coaching tip of 2021 is to help shift the self-talk that goes through our heads when slip ups happen.
It is these thoughts in our head that can sabotage the daily efforts we are trying to make. Take a moment to reflect on what you say to yourself when a misstep happens. The criticism usually does not look at the facts but rather attacks the person at their core: summed up in a version of words that you are bad, unworthy, a failure and can’t follow through or stick to anything.
Let’s change that.
Slip ups are simply a lack of action and are to be expected. We need to own the action (or lack of action) and try to figure out the reasons behind the behavior. To move away from degrading ourselves and understanding our mistakes, we need to change the questions we are asking.
“Why” questions, when directed at someone, are confrontational and elicit defensive responses. Here are some examples using other people.
At work your boss asks, “Why did you sent that email?”
At home a parent asks, “Why did you lie?”
In a relationship a partner says, “Why didn’t you listen to me?”
In the echo of these words, the recipient is left feeling either defensive, undermined and/or not understood. I know we all can relate to being both the instigator and the recipient of these types of questions.
But have you ever stopped and thought about how often you silently ask and answer these types of questions? That niggling voice inside you head often leads to diminishing your confidence and sense of self-worth. In order to shift the habitual ways that we react to slip ups, we need to learn to switch out the word “Why” to a question that starts with the word “What”.
“What” questions helps you understand your actions.
Playing out this scenario using the examples from above can help you appreciate the positive potential emotional shifts that can happen when the language changes.
At work you boss approaches you and asks, “What were your thoughts behind that email?’ Contrast how you would feel to the question “Why did you sent that email?”
At home a parent asks, “What reasons did you have for not telling the truth?” Contrast that to how the child would feel to the question “Why did you lie?”
In a relationship a partner asks, “What brought you to that conclusion?” Contrast that to how your significant other would feel to the question “Why didn’t you listen to me?”
At every opportunity we can choose whether to attack or approach, to accuse or to understand. And this absolutely applies to our talk inside our head.
Here is a great starting exercise. When you notice yourself saying “Why did I do that? Why can’t I stick to this? Why am I bad? or Why am I a failure? Shift that question to “What just happened?” What do I really want? What got in my way? What can I learn?
Write out your answer to these. Notice how you feel about yourself with this new approach. Accept the slip up and move on to tomorrow.
Melinda