WHEN OUR GOALS COMPETE

We have many different types of goals. Some are driven by a desire to accomplish a sought-after result. Others might not have anything to do with an achievement but rather a mantra of how you want to be.

Goals are important. They become the guideposts to our actions and behaviors. But what happens when one goal runs counter to another. We must choose what to do or how to behave.

If we only had one thing that was important to us, this would not be an issue. But that is a naïve and unrealistic reality. Most of us have multiple goals with multiple objectives and sometimes we need to sacrifice the energy of one to achieve another.

This sacrifice can create a feeling of conflict, anxiousness, guilt and failure. But it does not need to be that way. By understanding the conflict, we can then make a conscious choice on what to focus on.

In this coaching tip we are going to explore a strategy to guide you when you find that your goals are in conflict. To do that, I want you to write down between four and six goals that are important to you. Make sure you include both ‘human doing goals’ and ‘human being goals’.

A ‘human doing goal’ is one that focuses on an accomplishment. You can put a label to these goals. Examples are work/educational or sport titles, an amount of money you want in your bank account, buying a house, or a vacation that you are dreaming of. In a life well-lived we can have hundreds of these. They start at the earliest of ages with our desire to crawl toward an object.

A ‘human being goal’ is centered around how you want to behave in your day-to-day existence. These goals are usually value-centered, strength-centered or relationship centered. Examples for me are being honest, acting trustworthy, being authentic, being a learner, creating connections, being efficient, and using my gifts in pursuit of a stronger community.

In your list of 4 to 6 goals identify which ones are human being and which ones are human doing. By identifying which column your goals fall into, we are starting to bring a necessary awareness to what the potential conflict is.

Here is an example.

Relationships are important to me. To me this is a ‘human being goal’.

I want to have deeply meaningful relationships in my life. I know that for my relationships to be successful it requires me to give attention to them- set aside time and be willing to be present. However, when my other goals including work, community, fitness, health and recreational goals, or household chores get in the way, I need to ask myself how am I showing up in this current situation? Is it realistic in this moment given that I have multiple objectives?

With this awareness, I can consciously choose how I want to show up and that may include not showing up at my best. That is ok.

Without this awareness, I can end up guilt ridden and feeling like I am letting those around me down. I sacrificed one goal for another, or worse, probably ended up feeling like a failure across multiple areas of my life.

Without this awareness I cannot own my part in the situation.

We must own our decisions. There are times when one goal will be compromised or set aside temporarily for another. Making a choice to focus on one thing over another is not easy. Here are 3 questions to guide you in that choice

What is best for you, the situation, or the other person?

Answer “why you are making this choice”. Bring evidence and understanding to your decision

If I do sacrifice one goal for another, am I able to set aside a future time where I can be more present?

How best can I communicate my choice?

Clarity about goals includes a clarity of priorities. Priorities change: hour by hour, day by day, week by week or year by year.