The Dark Side of Control
Coaching Tip #48
I am a big believer in Control The Controllable.
But with every piece of advice, wisdom or guidance, there is always a dark side to it. A dark side is an overuse of the advice or using the information in an unintended way. Yes, we need to work on the thing we can control in our own lives, but this can quickly morph into an impulse to control things in other people’s lives.
Have you ever noticed this tendency? It is a great question to ask yourself.
I know I have. I learned the hard way to practice stepping back and assessing if and where I crossed the line.
Three situations where the urge to control might show up no matter whether you are a senior executive, coach, a manager or a parent:
I can do the task faster
I feel I have the answer
I go on auto pilot
In all 3 of these situations, I am actually doing a disservice to the other person.
Yes, I can do the task faster but if I just do it, how is the other person ever going to learn. And what subtle message are you sending to that person? Although my action might allow me to cross something off my to-do list, the consequence of that can have far reaching implications.
Sometimes I do have the answer and sometimes I think I have the answer. When I am at my best, I know I need to ask permission before blurting it out. If I jump in, and give the answer for someone else’s problem, I am losing an opportunity to show up and listen, to let that person know I am present and if they want help to collaborate with them on solutions.
When people come to you with a problem, most just want to be heard, to have the opportunity to vent. It is only after they have had this opportunity to release what is going on in their thoughts, that they are actually able to start to solve the problem. This brings me to the second point about jumping in with an answer: you lose an opportunity to brainstorm unique solutions. Fast solutions can just be a rinse and repeat of old solutions, whereas adding a pause can allow for new ideas to incubate.
Building on this point is asking yourself if you are on auto pilot: I do what I do, because that is what I do. Auto pilot is great for brushing your teeth. You don’t think about brushing every tooth. In fact, you probably do not even think when you brush your teeth. But auto pilot is not great if it slips into controlling others. Check in on this regularly. As a high performer we can slip into this behavior very quickly.
Only you know if controlling the controllable has moved to controlling someone else.
My goal of this tip is simply to bring an awareness to it.
Love to hear your thoughts.
Melinda