Shadow Strengths

Coaching Tip #28

In my coaching practice I encourage individuals to articulate what their core strengths are. I define strengths as the talents (what makes you, you; what you are good at) that you bring to each task. When you use your strengths, there is a positive impact on learning, on working toward larger goals. Strengths provide a pathway to move forward with new resolve when you experience a setback.

I carry a list of my own core strengths in my wallet.

You might wonder why I do that. Shouldn’t I know them off by heart? In fact, I do know them, and can recite them to anyone who asks. But still … why are they there?

The first reason is because in a moment of struggle, or when I have a setback, my brain can experience an amygdala hijack – where irrational logic takes over from rational thoughts, and my confidence plummets. In that moment, I have a tool, the list, to help shift my negative thoughts toward a positive process. My top five core strengths are learning, authenticity, being all in, connection, and efficiency. With that list in hand, I can call upon any one of them by asking a simple question: What strength will help me in this moment? And that helps shift me back to rational thought.

The second reason, and the topic of this coaching tip, is because every strength has its own shadow side. I define the shadow side as an overuse of a strength. Our strengths can sometimes sling-shot back, creating a negative result. This over-use of a strength can affect the outcome that you desire, or worse, a relationship that you value.

If your goal is to be an effective leader, communicator, or partner in any relationship, an awareness around the shadows of your strengths is a critical skill to develop.

Okay, back to the list in my wallet. In that moment when I notice that I was not at my best; or my intuition was telling me I missed the mark; or I reflect upon a reaction I was not expecting; or I realized that I overstepped a boundary, I can pull out that list and question if my strengths have become shadow strengths.

Here’s a real-life example of what I mean.

(For those of you who have been reading these coaching tips, you’ll know that relationships are of utmost importance to me. I really value the connections I have with people.)

A few years back, someone I deeply care for had just experienced what she would define as a complete failure to reach a sought-after goal. In that moment of trying my best to console her, I leaned-in on my strength of learning. I said something like, “It is not as bad as you think, there will be lessons you learn from this.”

Bad idea. While this might have been what I needed in this moment, it was far from what she needed. She simply needed space, for someone to sit and listen. She turned to me with tears running down her face and a tone of anger in her voice and said to me: “Mom. Why do you always have to push learning? Can’t I f…ing be upset for a while?”

After that happened, I wrote that list that I now carry in my wallet!