Silent Conflict
Coaching Tip # 62
Have you ever had an argument with no words? The type that zooms around irrationally from the right ear to the left ear and back again; the kind that makes your jaw clench and your anxiety rise. And when in a space of a few seconds, you might make a silent accusation, engage in berating comments and have the occasional brilliant insights of what you might have said or done if you could rewind the clock back and start all over again.
A single distinguishing characteristic of silent conflict is an engagement of words with no sound. That does not mean that there is no communication. An astute observer can pick up other signals: body posture, facial tension, and willingness to engage.
I want you to become an astute observer of your own silent conflict encounters.
You now have a label to put to an experience – Silent Conflict. By using a technique of labelling you can dump the incident into a specific basket to unpack. We can move away from what is wrong with me toward what is happening to me.
Without this self-awareness, our emotions can take over and results will suffer.
Start by classifying aspects of your Silent Conflict experiences. Emotions are a big part of Silent Conflict. Remember everyone’s experience is different. Articulate what is happening to you in as much detail as possible. What do you notice when you are in this state? Is there an area of your body that the tension is showing up in? Do they occur in the middle of the night of the middle of the day? Are there circumstances that you find yourself in that create this type of internal conflict?
Check in to see if how you react to Silent Conflict is the same regardless of the situation. In times of stress and intense emotions we tend to have go-to behaviors. You don’t ponder other options. You are on autopilot.
Strategies that work in one situation, might not work in this one. There might be a better approach. But using a new approach requires that you get off auto-pilot - what I am now labeling a Responsive Approach.
The ability to affect a Responsive Approach requires both an awareness and a pause. That split second, moment, hour or even a few days to question your approach. It is not like you want to stay in silent conflict.
Try asking yourself “What is the benefit from the turmoil I am feeling?” We naturally assume that Silent Conflict has negative consequence. By pausing and asking this question, you can interrupt this type of thought cycle and search for a positive outcome. I used this technique the other day. The result moved me away from anger toward intentional focus.
Silent Conflict can be a distraction away from the results you really want. By classifying your experience, understanding your go-to behaviors (which include thoughts) and interrupting these with a question, you can avoid some of the unintended consequences and implement a Responsive Approach to get back in control.
Remember we cannot control others; we can only control how we react to them. You have just added another tool to your toolbox.