Getting My Story Straight
Coaching Tip # 70
Wrong is just a stopover on the way to right.
How would our perspective change if we could reframe a mistake, a bad decision, an error in judgment to this thought? Would it give us permission to take more risk? Would it allow us to be kinder to ourselves? Would it help us accelerate our learning?
In order to move toward this reframe, we must understand our primary interpretation of this word. How I view “wrong” can be different from how you view it. “Wrong” can be felt in so many ways.
Step 1 is to say the words “I was wrong” out loud and then observe and jot down your thoughts and then your feelings.
I was wrong…I am not sure why I tried…I feel exhausted
I was wrong…I have bad judgement…I feel guilty
I was wrong…I should not have trusted that person…I feel undermined
I was wrong…I am not smart enough…I feel stupid
I was wrong…I am not good enough…I feel invalidated
I was wrong…I am not lovable…I feel unworthy
I was wrong…I can’t control my emotions…I feel anxious
Our experiences, our thoughts and our feelings are deeply connected to each other and consequently can create a view or ‘story’ about ourselves, our relationships, and how we fit into the community and world we live in. In psychology these are called beliefs. When they affect your potential, they are referred to as limiting beliefs.
If we can identify our limiting beliefs, we can ask ourselves if this belief is useful.
Step 2 is about choice: ask yourself, “Do I want to think and feel this way when I make a mistake?” This is such a powerful question. It calls out readiness and responsibility. It asks if you are willing to pivot. If the answer is ‘no’ or ‘not yet’ that is not wrong. You might need some space to ponder your answer. You might need counselling to dive into the reasons why you hold this limiting belief. There may need to be a Step 1A, 1B or 1C.
Step 3 is about discovering alternative beliefs: ask yourself, “If I did not think this way, jump to this conclusion, believe this about myself, what would change? This asks you to imagine your future without this belief. Write that new belief.
I was wrong…can change to
I am learning
I am embracing the challenge
I am opening up opportunities
I am seeing things from a new perspective
I am understanding compassion
I am on my way to right
Step 4 is about support: ask yourself, “Who or what can help me reinforce this new narrative? Changing behaviors is challenging. Changing the thoughts and our internal belief systems can appear straightforward but the reality is it demands constant awareness. Add in some stress, and we can easily take our hard-won progress backwards. One trick I use with my clients is to set a ping on your phone to go off throughout the day. I suggest 60-minute intervals. When it pings, notice if that limiting belief has crept back into your headspace. Catch it before it re-roots into your thoughts.
Step 5 is about noticing the results: This is important as it creates new self-reinforcing thoughts and feelings. Acknowledge when a limiting belief shifts to an empowering thought.
Pause and ask yourself “What is different?”
Write that answer down.