Just Listen
Coaching Tip # 69
The death of a meaningful dream can shake the ground underneath you. Over the last year many dreams have been broken or seen at risk.
When you are faced with uncertainty or perhaps an ending of something important to you, you have emotional pain. Endings leave an indelible mark on your psyche. And left unrecognized as such, can haunt you for years into the future.
Dreams that end need processing and that processing can be similar to the grief felt when you lose a loved one. It takes time to adjust and recalibrate. Emotions can be raw as you process a state of disbelief, pain, guilt, anger, and loss. But as you begin to move past these feeling you start to figure out the best of your past and establish those attributes in your next vision.
Most of us don’t take the time to go through this process. Because of our goal-driven outlook we jump into that next thing. That is what we have been conditioned to do. And because we do not take that time and want to show we are strong; we send a strong signal to others around us: I am fine.
This may not be true. More than likely, it is not.
We all have a narrative that supports how we see ourselves, how others view us and how we fit into the society we exist in. Narratives propel us to act but they also create and reinforce our thoughts. Why we act, why we share, why we avoid are all rooted in the thoughts we have.
But many athletes and coaches are not fine. They have lost so much more than just the sport they love. With facilities shut their routines were changed, their social interaction disappeared, and they are on their computer way too much. Those who really understood the word commitment kept going through zoom instruction and pure self-determination. On the outside, we applaud their efforts of stick-to-it-ness, but that does not mean they are not suffering on the inside.
I use athletes and coaches as an example because I see it firsthand. But this applies to any of us whose dream has stalled or stopped.
This coaching thought has one simple point. Provide the space for someone you care about to grieve. Find some words that convey these thoughts:
-I’m not in your shoes.
-I can’t imagine how hard this past year has been on you.
-I am angry about how things have turned out. Do you ever have those feelings?
-I want you to know I can be a listener if you want to talk.
And then you need to listen.
If you interrupt, try to solve the problem or give them an action to do, the individual hears your narrative. Try to resist this.
Just listen.