The Will To Try Again
Coaching Tip # 74
A positive experience keeps you engaged in a pursuit; it creates self-efficacy - an individual's belief in his or her capacity to execute behaviors necessary to produce specific performance attainments (Bandura, 1977, 1986, 1997).
We see this in young children when they participate in early versions of organized sports. A small win, such as kicking a ball in tiny tot soccer, cascades into a will to try to kick it again. And even when they miss, the memory or success and the desire to repeat that remains strong. This "will" to try again, becomes a cornerstone to building skills and overcoming challenges.
Unfortunately, as we age, that ‘will’ to simply go out and try again or engage in new pursuits gets impeded by our own thoughts and judgement. It creates an internal dialogue of I am not “good” enough or I will look stupid – this dialogue threatens to stunt our growth, to limit our human potential.
How do we understand this phenomenon?
First, is an understanding that our thoughts and behaviors are framed by our socialization. In other words, our environment influences how we approach things today. One of those early influences is comparison. It is a constant and when applied can motivate performance.
When you win a race, someone loses. When you scored that goal or aced a test you get noticed. That not only feels good, but it is also reinforced through comments, hugs, and rewards.
There is a deeply imbedded need in our human DNA to feel included, validated, and be a contributor. Zoom back to the stone age. To increase your chance of survive you needed to be a part of a tribe. If you were a hunter your status increased. Everyone had a role and if you did not contribute, your tribe’s existence was at risk. Comparison and judgement were matters of survival.
Fast forward 5000 years, comparisons and judgements still greatly impact each one of us.
When things are going well, the cycle continually reinforces itself. But with struggle, doubt can creep in and the consequence, if not managed, can have devastating effects. Fear of trying because of a fear of judgement impacts performance, and this in turn decreases one’s self-efficacy. As confidence plunges the cycle can be challenging to break, opportunities to grow diminish.
How do we manage this tendency to overcome our doubts and stumbles?
First, we need to create space between the impulse and response and that begins with awareness. It is easier to notice something when you are the observer. If you were sitting on a white fluffy cloud in the sky and looking down on the situation, what would you see? In a moment of judgement, stepping outside yourself can be challenging, but that does not mean you cannot use this strategy at any time. When you notice doubt or negative internal chatter of judgement, try to first go the white fluffy cloud in the sky and ask the following questions:
Who or what am I comparing myself to?
Is this need to compare deep rooted in my behaviors?
As I recognize the comparison, what thoughts or internal judgement flies through my head?
What is my need?
To feel included
To feel validated
To feel like a contributor
Is this a realistic comparison or just a habit?
Does this motivate me or stunt my potential growth/shut down an opportunity?
Try this strategy one time over the next few days. Comparison is a hard habit to break but when you recognize it, and begin to manage it, the feeling of progression forward being in control is powerful.