Failure: Two Perspectives
Coaching Tip #14
Last week I talked about the importance of looking at “what was good about that” – in both success and failure. This week I look at failure, with a focus on the volume of time and the type of thoughts we spend ruminating on it.
No one likes to fail. But when you push yourself beyond your comfort zone or your previous levels of accomplishments, you are going to fail. Let’s face it: Very few people succeed at a challenging stretch-goal on the first attempt (and if you do, you probably didn’t raise the bar high enough).
One View
When we look at failure as “I have just not done this yet,” we open our minds up to learning and to shifting strategies. Sometimes the methodology we tried did not work. Or we might not have built the skill-set to execute that action on cue. And there are times when you set the bar so high that the likelihood of total achievement is incredibly small.
In each of these circumstances, there are instructive take-aways. You can change your strategy, lean into a deeper proficiency of skill, or acknowledge the level of success you did achieve, and reassess if the goal you initially set is still something that you want. Your perspective becomes one of development and growth.
An Alternative View
There is another type of failure that we should also address – one that is intricately tied to judgement. These judgmental thoughts can circulate, and then recirculate, 24/7. “I am not smart enough.” “I will never be good at this.” “I am not going to try because I will look so stupid.” “I am such a loser.”
Finding any take-aways in this situation is much more challenging, because your mind is absorbed with self-directed criticism, and often this criticism is aimed not at what you attempted to accomplish but rather at the heart and soul of who you are.
What do I mean by that? Well, pause right now and think of a situation where you found yourself recycling these judgmental thoughts over and over in your head.
Ask yourself: In this situation did I judge myself, or the act that I failed at? The first response is not helpful because you are probably a pretty decent individual. It’s the second response that leads to growth.
If you do tend to judge yourself, it can be a hard habit to change. Here are three tips to get you going:
1. Bring awareness to your thoughts. Put an elastic band around your wrist and every time you catch yourself with a judgmental thought, snap the band. To change, you must become aware and you must call out that awareness. (And you certainly don’t want your wrist to become all red and raw!)
2. Ask yourself how these thoughts are helping you. Does calling yourself stupid or a loser motivate you toward good decisions?
3. Write down on a piece of paper things that you could improve. Don’t just think it – put it on paper. Writing things down can deepen the cognitive processing of thoughts and emotions. By doing this, you are create a shift – from being a judger to becoming a learner.
And feel free to reach out and tell me your success story. I’d love to hear about it!
Melinda