When Your Beliefs Create Conflict
Coaching Tip #34
In a relationship there is a basic premise of engagement. Our relationships are formed by our connections with others, and each of our relationships live on a continuum: at one end are the very important ones and at the other extreme they might be just passing interactions.
We instinctively bring our beliefs to all of our relationships, including our random encounters.
Because no two individuals are alike, and each of us carries a past history and a current perspective, our beliefs naturally create tensions in our relationship. Recognizing our beliefs and how they play out in our important relationships – work, family, and personal – can help reduce some of the tension. Negative tension affects us as we strive to achieve our goals, make choices, and take action.
What are beliefs? From Psychology Today:
“Beliefs are our brain’s way of making sense of and navigating our complex world. They are mental representations of the ways our brains expect things in our environment to behave, and how things should be related to each other—the patterns our brain expects the world to conform to. Beliefs are templates for efficient learning and are often essential for survival.”
While a belief system may align with some of our important relationships, there will be others that we may find ourselves in conflict with. When this happens, the consequences can lead to heightened tension and potentially destructive results.
When you detect you’re in one of these situations, step back and ponder these five things.
Ask yourself how important the relationship is. Rank it on the continuum. Honor the importance of it.
There might be a lot to disagree about, but see if you can find common ground, a core value that you can agree on. Is it patience, making a difference, personal growth, or individuality? Discuss your values and then frame the conversation around that value. When you notice the tension increase, go back to that synchronized value.
Our natural biological reaction is to protect ourselves. When we feel we are in a situation of conflicting belief systems, the amygdala signals danger. Our first reaction is either fight, flight, freeze or appease.
“If you feel anger or frustration when afraid, your likely response will be fight. If you feel terror or alarm when afraid, you'll probably respond by flight. If you feel anxiety or desperation when afraid, you'll likely freeze. If you feel dismay or foreboding, you'll try to appease.”
The reality is that you are in charge of your choices. You can make a positive response. Take a deep breath in, exhale longer than the intake, and answer the question, “What in this moment serves me, the other person, or the situation?” By exhaling longer that inhaling you are telling your brain that you are in charge – that you are not threatened.
Accept that it is not your job to insist that someone else adopt your beliefs, your view of the world. You can model your beliefs, but only the other person can change his or her way of seeing the world.
Walk away. Tell the other person you need some space to consider their point of view. Reconvene at a mutually agreed upon time and place.
We never know when we are going to run into a situation of conflicting beliefs. I have made many assumptions in conversations, only to be surprised by an “out of left field” comment.
I keep these strategies close at hand, when I feel the tension rising and when I need a quick reminder.
Melinda